In February, in the month of love, I set out to investigate what men and women had to say about the annoying things they have observed and experienced from the opposite gender. I was motivated by the belief that bad things should not be avoided but addressed head-on. I conducted 15 in-depth interviews with a diverse set of men and women from the mid-20s to mid-30s age demographic, mostly from business schools. I talked to people in live-in and long-distance relationships, people who had recently broken up and single people, and then conducted a survey which got 59 heterosexual responses (thank you!!)
My hope is to shed light on some of the common themes that arose and to inspire honest communications between men and women. Likely, there will be some points you will nod your head to, and others you’ll be like “Really?! That’s BS!”. Whilst interviewing, I found some examples where interviewees from the same gender completely disagreed with each other. Ultimately, it turned out, men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. Every individual seems to be from a different planet entirely. So with a pinch of salt and a solid respect that every individual is an individual, here’s what people had to say about the opposite gender.
Note for survey responses, the options were:
1. Never noticed it as an issue
2. Mildly irritating – means it happens now and again, but I can adapt easily to it
3. Moderately annoying – means it happens now and again, and would be significantly better if changed
4. Very annoying – means it’s common & it bugs me
Men on women: What annoys you the most in dating and relationships?
- Putting quantity over quality of communication
Several men told me they felt their girlfriends or ex-girlfriends called or texted too often, sometimes without much substance to the conversation. This problem was particularly exacerbated in long-distance relationships. My own take on this is that women must be feeling pressure to keep in touch, keep a bond and keep the guy interested across many miles.
“It shouldn’t feel like an obligation to call everyday” said one guy. “There are many days when I have nothing to say” said another HBS guy (cases and job-hunting aren’t enthralling conversation topics apparently).
In response to how annoying is “Putting quantity over quality of communication e.g. sending me unnecessary texts/having unnecessary conversations for the sake of conversation”, 42% of men reported this trait as moderately to very annoying, versus 28% of women.
- When women feel entitled or want special treatment just because they are women
The broad issues here are the patchy application of women’s liberation and feminism which was a real bug-bear among many guys I spoke to.
“We like the idea of women’s lib, we just don’t think they’re doing it” — HBS guy.
Whilst the women’s liberation movement posits equality of sexes, it seems it’s still too common for women to expect to be pursued rather than to pursue; to expect to be paid for; or, worst of all, to have the dreaded ‘Princess complex’ where girls’ expectations are simply too high and their gratitude for kind gestures the guy does is simply too low or non-existent.
A common reported manifestation of entitlement was expecting to be paid for on dates. “She just kept talking when the check arrived as if nothing had happened” said one guy. “At least fumble for your purse” lamented another guy. Offering to pay was suggested as a good signal by many guys. “You want to send a partnership signal, not a prostitution signal” said one guy candidly.
42% of men in the survey said that “Feeling entitled to special treatment because of their gender” was moderately to very annoying vs just 8% of women saying the same about men.
- When women are insecure
42% of men in my survey reported insecurity in the opposite gender as a moderately annoying to very annoying trait, compared with 31% of women. Men in interviews also brought this up. They mentioned behaviors like changing outfit five times, complaining about breast size and wearing a lot of make-up as turn-offs. “There’s nothing I can do about the size of your breasts” said one guy.
One guy said it was unattractive to him when women wore a lot of make-up: “My favorite photo of me and her is this one where we were just hanging out in my room, lying next to each other and she had no make-up on. I actually prefer that photo to all the dolled-up photos of her at parties. I want to see the girl I’m dating”. Another guy commented that “too much make-up makes most girls look the same, they just look like clones of each other”.
Jealousy was another common reported annoyance. “She would get upset if I ran an errand for a female friend when she was around” reported one guy. Another guy noted that jealousy was only an issue if allowed to fester or turn into anger straightaway: “Just say it at the start and I’ll adjust my behavior accordingly”.
A few men reported that they found it frustrating when women’s self-worth was largely based on the strength of the relationship and when women compared their relationship to those of others.
“She was playing the ‘Who has a better relationship game?’ with her friends, which I felt was completely pointless” said one guy.
Another guy commented that his girlfriend would tell him what other couples were doing and suggest they do the same, which he found annoying: “They send each other news articles and discuss them, we should do that”.
- When women are obsessed with social media
Several men told me that it was annoying when women spent too much time and effort on brand-building their social media image. 50% of men reported this as moderately to very annoying in the opposite gender vs 22% of women. It was even more annoying when women tried to get guys to care more about social media if they didn’t care. “Why are you not posting photos of us on Facebook?” asked one girl to her boyfriend. Another guy reported that one of his ex-girlfriends had tried to get him to put a profile picture of the two of them up, which “just wasn’t my thing”.
“They spent more time getting the perfect photo and hashtag for Instagram than actually enjoying the moment” — Guy about a trip with a bunch of girls.
- When women confer with other women about relationships
The complaints from guys go from the light-hearted “It just makes you look like an asshole” to the more serious concerns: Are you really getting good advice from your friends? Does external advice sometimes cloud your thinking? A truism from Sex and the City that I hold very dear is Carrie’s observation that no one on the outside can really ever understand what goes on between two people. “Just talk to the guy” said one guy.
There’s also the concern on compounding baggage when you receive advice. “Sometimes girls can give each other very pessimistic advice” noted one guy. And we all know, starting or maintaining a relationship takes a healthy dose of optimism.
- Then there were many miscellaneous other reported pet peeves:
- Having to police what you say in case it offends women. One guy noted that he had to change his language and vocabulary when around women. “It changes how you give feedback, what jokes you can make” he said.
- When women don’t make an effort to mix with their boyfriend’s friends
- When women are ‘hangry’: Two guys even reported they carried around snacks to feed their girlfriends for when they felt their glucose levels were running low!
- Decision-making annoyances: Asking for input in little decisions, Looking to the guy to make major decisions, Being indecisive
- Taking too long to get ready and then being consistently late for events. In support of women, a few guys commented “That comes with the territory, you just budget for it”. Though other guys also mentioned that women should budget for it and just start getting ready earlier as being consistently late for events was not cool.
- Fancy bedcovers and fluffy pillows. “Why does the bed need 20 pillows?!” asked one guy
Women speak on men: What annoys you the most?
- Men sometimes do not want to communicate enough, and especially not about their feelings
In my survey, 53% of women said that ‘not wanting to communicate enough’ was a moderately to very annoying trait in men they had dated, vs 29% of men who said the same for women (and no guy said it was very annoying, male responses were all ‘moderately’ responses).
With regards to current or longest past relationships, 33% of women felt they were talking less frequently than they’d like to talk. The good news (noting this has some selection bias as you wouldn’t interact with someone for too long if they weren’t getting this right) is that most of us have it ‘about right’.
Question: If you are/were in a relationship, how frequently do you talk with your partner versus how much you’d ideally like to talk?
However, the quality of communications is as important as frequency. Even if we’re talking, are we communicating? 42-43% of men and women both said that conversations are often ‘hit and miss’.
Some women reported deeper frustrations:
“I cry sometimes and he just doesn’t understand why” said one girl about her long-distance relationship. “I don’t think we share our feelings when things get tough” reported an anonymous female survey respondent.
The challenge for us then is how can we really talk when we talk? As one anonymous survey respondent put it, she would like: “Anything beyond the typical “how’s your day?” And “can you pick up Kleenex on the way home”. Real conversation would be nice”
- Sometimes men just aren’t thinking all that much, which can be disappointing
After a moving tour of a slum in a foreign country, a girl turned to her boyfriend: “Penny for your thoughts?” He replied honestly :“I have no thoughts”. Another related frustration was when guys counted watching a sports game as spending quality time with one another, and with their girlfriend. For some girls this seemed like a rather thought-less activity.
- Having a big ego which manifests itself as:
a) Overconfidence and lack of awareness of real capabilities
Even the guys I interviewed confessed to having experienced this in other guys. One girl dated a guy who claimed earnestly to be in excellent physical shape, proudly telling her tales of biking many miles to work on their first date. On their second date, as he stood there with his beer-belly asking her to carry his back-pack on their 5km walk whilst he was looking for a bench, she was struck by his lack of self-awareness.
b) Not wanting feedback
One girl dated an ‘entrepreneurial type’. He was convinced he was a stellar entrepreneur and didn’t accept feedback on any of his business ideas, even the ones she claimed were ‘obviously stupid’.
- When men don’t know what they want
47% of women reported ‘not knowing what they want at a start of relationship’ as moderately to very annoying in men, vs 33% of men reporting the same for women. But this still wasn’t quite as much as a pain-point as…
- When men mislead women
A few women reported it annoying that guys often use misleading language when they were dating. Guys would often indicate they were considering a long-term relationship when they were really just looking for fun. Several men confirmed to me that this does happen intentionally, and not just due to not knowing what they want. One girl noted: “The lack of transparency bugs me. You find out what they really wanted when they don’t text back after the first or second dates just because you didn’t have sex”. This begs the question: Would it work if these men just made their intentions clear up-front?
Another annoying trait, especially prevalent in online dating, was when men played games by texting back and forth but not actually asking the girl out.
- When they show off to other men on sexual conquests
Even more annoying is when these sexual conquests are completely made-up! A girl told me the story of her undergraduate dance: “I went with this cute guy and we danced for many hours. I liked him, but then heard him showing off the next day to other guys that he’d had a “great workout last night” in a suggestive way. That was the end of that”. Sadly, I did get confirmation from a few guys that this happens across men of all ethnicities and surprisingly in the late 20s to early 30s demographic too, and at business school. To the few-to-some guys who do this, please grow up.
7. When men don’t want to commit and are insensitive to women’s biological realities
“Most men just don’t want to commit until they’re 30. They just want to play around because they don’t have that time bomb” — Single female
This type of preference particularly disadvantages women in their late 20s or 30s, because too many guys are still looking for younger girls who give them a long lead time to make up their mind or to explore. I’ve heard several guys rejecting girls based on ‘I’d have to decide too fast or move too fast’. This begs the moral question: Is it reasonable to expect someone with a biological advantage (men) to share the burden of someone with a (relative) biological disadvantage (women)? Isn’t compromise and shouldering the burden of others to some degree a key component of our societies? So should we expect more of the men who avoid ‘older’ women in this regard?
8. Then there were the many miscellaneous annoyances:
- Men can be slobs: The “I-just-stepped-out-of-my-pants-and-didn’t-look-back” look especially is not good décor for any room!
- Cliched compliments like “Your eyes are like stars”. One girl recounted the story of a guy who said to her “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”. “Just open up any magazine on any page and there’s a woman more beautiful than me there” she replied. The message for men: compliment us genuinely for what you genuinely like, and it doesn’t have to be looks!
- Sometimes men were “not willing to include me in things he does with his friends”
- Interestingly, a female noted that although some men say they want women to not be obsessed with social media; to not wear make-up and to not spend ages getting ready, the type of women men glorify, talk about and look at are women with polished social media and polished exteriors. There seems to be an inconsistency between what men want and what they say they want. There also seems to be a lack of appreciation of the fact that women don’t just wake up natural goddesses and that there are real trade-offs to looking good.
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Overall, we both do things that drive each other crazy. Honest conversations, feedback and just being conscious goes a long way. Though if you still can’t change, incidentally, Anthony Merentino, from Sex and the City said: ‘Some of the best sex I’ve had is with people I can’t stand.’