Prelude
“You love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.” — Princess Aurora, The Sleeping Beauty, 1957
When I was young, I watched a ton of Disney movies. Endlessly absorbing the ‘lessons’ and ‘insights’ they held. Men were brave, handsome, strong, with integrity and deep feelings of affection for women. Women were beautiful, gentle, always desired. There was commitment and a family somewhere down the road. And both were unusually good singers throughout the whole thing.
Somehow we think we grow out of this fast and easy – that childish concepts are shed like the pokémon cards, the multi-colored thread friendship bracelets and the toy dinosaur sets we shed a long time ago. But I believe these concepts linger with us subconsciously for a long time, being continually destructive. As a 26 year old at business school, I was asked in almost-seriousness by female friends if it was ‘love at first sight’ with my then-boyfriend. Um, no. Um, because that doesn’t exist…lust at first sight however…
It is my belief that life can be enjoyed better when your expectations are realistic . And so in this blog-post I tell the tales of modern women juxtaposed next to re-touched Disney moments. May be some day the stories we tell our children will more accurately reflect the complexities of the modern dating-sphere. Hold on for this magic carpet ride…
Myth: Women are always cherished and chased
Reality: Men will often not value your time, or you
One of the most widespread cultural traits of Silicon Valley that I’ve seen so far is an obsession with optimization. Most people are out to optimize every minute of their lives, constantly thinking ‘What is the best thing I could be doing right this minute?’. One of the results is flakiness – the arrival of new information constantly changes what is the best thing to be doing at any moment. So many friends have put up with last minute changes to plans, and a lack of willingness to do any forward planning.
Take this example interaction which happened to a friend:
At the same time as being non-committal, these men expect us to be ready for them whenever they want to meet. In the age of Uber and Netflix, many Silicon Valley men and women have come to expect ‘on-demand’ functionality of people they date: Now I want him/her, they should be here right now. If they’re not, I will get frustrated and frantically start swiping for their replacement.
Even if you’re not seeking a relationship, there is something about basic respect for someone’s time and energy, right? A good friend recently called a guy out for this behavior and made it clear that her time was not to be wasted:”Let’s meet only when it works well for the both of us. That would be better. Also I hope you know how disrespectful it is to have so little regard for someone’s time, not to mention genuineness”.
Kudos to her! I think more women need to take more leadership and do the same. Gone are the days of us staring expectantly at the phone, and here are the days of us picking it up and texting what’s on our mind.
Myth: If you are good enough, he’d want something serious with you
Reality: Many men aren’t looking for anything serious even if you are amazing, but are too scared to say it upfront. Many women are too afraid to even ask about intent for fear of seeming ‘needy’ or ‘uncool’
“It’s crazy isn’t it? I’ve been sleeping with this guy for 2 weeks now, but can’t ask him if he’s serious about me or not” – Anon. Girl
We all want to be the ‘cool girl’, the one who isn’t ‘possessive’, the one who is ‘chill’, the one who doesn’t ‘freak’ a guy out by asking too early on about his intentions. But isn’t ‘Cool girl’ as fairy-tale as the Princess and the Pea? Most women want to know what is going on to set their expectations and check they are on the same page.
Shouldn’t any one in a dating situation be able to ask the elephant-in-the-room question on intention – sure, not on first date, but what about on the third? Not because there’s anything wrong with casual dating, but because there is something wrong with not knowing that you are casual dating.
1 See Gillian Flynn, author of ‘Gone Girl”s, description of Cool Girl in the notes of this blog-post. It’s so accurate.
Myth: Most men are looking for a nice girl to settle down with, it just takes them a little longer to get there
Reality: Many ‘old’ men often aren’t looking to settle down either
An attractive early 30s friend went on a third date with a 40 year old Silicon Valley entrepreneur. “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” he said to her. She took a sip of her wine and sighed. Welcome to Silicon Valley, where start-ups are more important than family for some!
Now, there is nothing wrong with not looking for anything serious. Not wanting a relationship is a personal choice and it’s good that we live in a world where people can freely make that choice with increasing acceptance. Watch ‘The Lobster’ for a sinister look at a world with no choices – a dark movie about a crazy world where you have to be in a relationship or you get turned into an animal (an animal of your choice, ironically).
But it’s just a more commonly-occurring trend to be aware of for girls who are looking for something serious. A guy’s age is not necessarily going to be a good predictor of whether he is interested in settling down or not. Last year, as I went through dating apps, I had started filtering for ‘older guys’ even though my intrinsic preference was for someone my age, with the rationale that ‘Oh great, he’s over 30, this might work better and he’ll be more mature’. I discovered that many 35 year olds were still intending to ‘explore their sexuality’ and work on ‘hitting their scores’ for 10 more years before the perceived boredom and drudgery of wife and kids.
Myth: Women are weak
Reality: Women are strong
A common manifestation of the ‘women are weak’ myth is that many guys tip-toe around intention because they are scared women can’t handle the truth. They mislead, they pretend to care about your life when they have zero interest in it. But really what drives many of us around the bend is ambiguity, not truth. So guys, if you want something casual, say it up-front. You will be surprised how many women are ok with it. If they are not, you shouldn’t be conning them anyway. Then you don’t have to resort to other nefarious means of communicating how you don’t want something serious like ghosting, sporadic texting at odd hours of the night and general douche-baggery. And if you’re not interested in someone, why not just say it?
Closing thoughts for Part I
The dating scene is inherently unpredictable terrain. We hurt others and we get hurt. Instead of waiting for a Knight in shining armor, the women of the Bay Area have to invest in their own armor.
Notes
1 In ‘Gone Girl’, Gillian Flynn writes about the concept of ‘Cool Girl’. It’s a little long, but I just love how she describes it so will share the few paragraphs:
“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”
― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
