In the week of Valentine’s I got thinking about theories of love and dating. This blog-post is based on the dating experiences of myself and my friends – and I thank them for their generous contributions.
Background
In management and human motivation, there is theory X and theory Y. Wikipedia explains it in better words than I can:
Theory X believes “that the average employee has little to no ambition, shies away from work or responsibilities, and is individual-goal oriented. Theory X style managers believe their employees are less intelligent and lazier than the managers or work solely for a sustainable income… Theory X concludes the average workforce is more efficient under a”hands-on” approach to management’
Theory Y is more optimistic. Theory Y believes that “people in the work force are internally motivated, enjoy their labor, and work to better themselves without a direct “reward” in return. Theory Y states that employees thrive on challenges, and relish on bettering their personal performance. …”Theory Y” managers gravitate towards relating to the worker on a more personal level.” It is what I believe the more evolved companies of Silicon Valley imbue.
I’m firmly in the Theory Y camp. And reflecting on this got me thinking about the two theories of dating I want to characterize…
Theory X of dating
Theory X is the prevalent philosophy of dating in many urban centers today. It probably started in New York, and is now gripping San Francisco and even pure Seattle! Theory X is about playing the game. The principles of this theory are:
- People choose partners predominantly based on extrinsic characteristics such as looks and prestige
- If there is no palpable chemistry on the first date, you rule the person out forever
- Making yourself scarce is the best way to be desirable
- A number of cleverly deployed tactics can lead you to ‘scoring’ (read: kiss, sleep, whatever your goal is) with the other side
So how do you know if your dating partner is playing theory X on you?
The signs of 1. are everywhere, and I have succumbed to them too. In ‘How to get the Guy’, Matthew Hussey coaches women to increase the volume of men they encounter on a daily basis. One way to do this is to organize ‘mini-dates’ such as coffees on weekday evenings or even between work commitments. The idea is you don’t need to make a grand evening out of it, as time for grand evenings is a scarce commodity for today’s busy working woman. I liked Matt’s idea in theory. But the reality is I am absolutely terrified of coming across any guy I like without having prepared (manicure, dress, heels, make-up etc.). So this means ‘mini-dates’ and the spontaneity of romance were taken out of my life. Any date worth its salt was at least a 1 hour commitment before the date in which I attempt to make myself look as least like my natural state as possible.
The signs of 2 are the prevalence of ‘first dates’. Recently, I was talking to a friend who has lived in India, Europe and the Middle-east, and she was telling me about a mean guy who had been showing off to her about his dating life.
‘When he says he dates a lot, he means American dating’ she said.
‘You mean he’s just going on tons of dead-end first dates’ I asked. She nodded.
People talk about the number of dates needed to get a partner and the numbers I’ve heard range up to 100!
How can it be that we are all SO unique that we are swiping profiles of people who live in the same city, who have common friends with us, are filtered to our preferences, and yet we have to meet 100 people to find one who lasts for more than a month?!
May be it’s time to challenge Theory X’s assumption. I have been doing so recently by setting an ‘at least 2 dates’ rule on anyone who is not a complete ‘no’ on date 1, and I must say you will be pleasantly surprised that people can be far more charming and giving and vulnerable when they are more relaxed because they aren’t under the pressure of impressing a total stranger on date 1!
3- Make yourself scarce
Every now and again I reach out to friends for advice on what to write back or how to approach a guy. Much of the advice falls into the category I would call ‘make yourself scarce’. How often have you had the experience where you text someone asking a fairly simple question on Monday such as ‘How was your weekend?’ and they reply on Wednesday. And then you have to wait until Friday to reply about yours.
Another outcome of this theory is the short text. Here’s an example:
Girl: “Yes! I had a great weekend – I went rock-climbing. Ugh so many callouses! Then went to the library. And I’ve been reading the four-hour work-week and it’s awesome! Have you read it? How was your weekend?”
Guy: “Oh cool. Good”
Wah wah. I’ve looked at many girls phones and our observation is that they’re always texting a lot more than the guys. So it’s refreshing when a guy can actually put together a few words and ask you out with better than ‘Wanna grab food?” (an actual text I got once asking me out after a string of ‘oh cool’s and my favorite minimalist text: ‘k’).
4- The classic pick-up tricks part of playing ‘The Game’
Personally, I think people who like playing games should join a games club and put that energy to good use in Settlers of Catan or Pandemic or PowerGrid or whatever.
On a happy drinking day in Napa, a friend outlined a brilliant strategy for purely the joy of messing with someone:
“You should text him at 2 am asking ‘What are you doing?” and then 5 mins later “Where are you?” and then not reply until a week later”.
I was entertained by the arbitrariness of this idea, amused by the concept of making communication parallel a random number generator.
The sad fact is I have had communication patterns with people (and ok, I’ve been guilt of it myself) where it has been like a random communication generator. And it happens between friends too. To some extent, I’m like ok, we’re all busy, I get it that it shows as ‘read’ but you don’t reply until a month later when you all of a sudden send me 7 messages. But then if you are actually interested in someone as a potential, don’t go treating them like your ages-old friends!
The cruelest of these games that I and several friends have been part of is the one where someone acts like they’re really into you, you seem to have great chemistry, and then they just ghost you without explanation. This happened to a friend who went on FOUR dates with a guy who said he was looking for a serious relationship. He had put in a lot of effort on the dates, picking venues that related to their conversation. For example, she had said she wanted a quiet place, and he picked ‘Mozzeria’ – a restaurant that is owned and run by deaf people, where you have to use sign language to order food ). And then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, he just ignored her without explanation.
Part of me thinks this is more serious than just bad dating etiquette, it’s a moral issue. My definition of morality is related to pain inflicted on others. And confusion and rejection are a heady painful mix to impose on someone knowingly. So if you don’t like someone, a) grow some balls and tell them that b) don’t ‘practise’ your flirting skills on the date with them by acting like you’re so into them.
Theory Y of dating
Theory Y is a dating theory I recently discovered is still in existence!
Lessons in Theory Y from Date 1: There are second chances
I went on a date with a handsome guy to De Young museum. Firstly, he demonstrated the art of compromise off the bat. He asked me what I’m into. I told him I liked art, and he picked De Young museum for our first date. He wasn’t into art at all. But the fact that he’d gone for me warmed my heart a little.
The conversation chemistry wasn’t great if I’m honest. He was a man of few words, a handsome mystery. In one hallway of beautiful paintings, I asked him ‘Which is your favorite?’ hoping to elicit a glimpse into his mind and personality. He walked around for 10 mins stopping by each piece, and then as I looked at his face expectantly he said: ‘None of them really appeal to me’. Wah wah. When we left De Young without even a hug, I was sure I would never see him again. Even dates that had gone ‘well’ had ended without a follow-up date, so there was no reason to expect this lukewarm one to go anywhere.
But he texted the next day…and fast forward 1 week, I said ‘yes’ to our second date playing pool. Now he was the connoisseur, I was the novice (yes, I’d never played pool before!). And it made me think, there’s something about demonstrating the principles you would hold in a relationship right up front: principles of compromise, of trying something new that may not interest you, of being forgiving, of giving someone a second chance.
Lessons in Theory Y from date 2: Prince Charming
Once upon a time, a dating cynic (me by this point, jaded by bad experiences) sent a very good-looking guy a message on Coffee meets Bagel. Note, this was in contrast to the Theory X advice I got from my male friend: ‘No, let him send you the message first. Wait a few days’.
This guy seemed simply too good to miss a chance on because of outdated gender norms. I messaged him, but didn’t expect he would reply. But he did, and he replied a long warm message. I sent him a long message back. And then magic – he replied straightaway. He was online! He didn’t apply theory X principles of ‘Oh I must wait X amount of time and text one-word answers’. He gave himself fully, in 10 text messages at a time, audio clips, drawings, YouTube playlists. I began to look forward to our many digital conversations, lying in my bedroom glued to my phone.
I’d never met him and I was captivated. I felt like I was getting to know him in such an accelerated way. I felt I already had an intuitive sense of answers to the key questions that it can take ages for us to answer.
Did he care about family? Yes – he was preparing an agenda for his sister’s trip to the US.
Was he sensitive? Yes – one of the most precious messages I have from him is ‘What did you feel?’ Just that one question was so powerful. ‘Feel’. A word so underused by men, but one that cuts to the heart of what many women are about.
Was he chatty? Yes. He sent me a 5 min audio-clip describing the trip he was planning. He was honest with me, and I felt I could then be honest with him and generous with the compliments I was feeling:
“I love how you can talk endlessly” I replied after listening to his audio-clip. This type of appreciative text is a big no-no in the book of Theory X.
“Haha. You got lucky. Normally, I leave 10 min voicemails” he replied.
And so it made me think, why do we so blindly follow Theory X? Does it actually work? Does it actually make you fall for someone if they ignore you, belittle you by indicating you are low in their priority list, show off to you about the awesome happening life they have without you, and express to you how they don’t really need you at all?
Or does it make you fall for someone if they are kind to you, do things for you even though you don’t know each other yet, show their full personality to you, honor you by making an effort, and don’t consult their friends on what to text back but write what they want and when they want?
Concluding thoughts
I’m a new theory Y convert and an optimist again. The thing we have to remember is that it is hard to swim against the current and us Theory Y believers are swimming against the current. So it’s still a numbers game, but we don’t need to pretend to be Theory X, because Theory X believers are not what we’re looking for.
So recently when my friend told me she was really into someone after 2 dates, but didn’t know what to do as he’d become unresponsive, I said ‘Don’t let me tell you what to do. Be bold. Be the most you version of you’. And she texted honestly and boldly asking him in an elegant way about his intentions on their future meetings and expressing she was intrigued by him. And he didn’t reply for a day! I cite this not to exhibit the failure of Theory Y, but to acknowledge that we need to be realistic that it won’t always work because it takes two to tango.
But here’s the observation I want to close on: when you try and you give it your best, and the ambiguity is gone because they don’t reply when you’ve made it clear that you’re interested, you can move on much easier. It is ambiguity, the ‘did he like me?’, ‘could it have worked if I’d tried, if I’d approached him?’ that holds so many of us back. Unanswered questions are lingering thoughts that suck your time and emotional energy. Clear it up, and move on. Save that energy for someone worth it.
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Updates: It did not ‘go anywhere’ with any of the guys mentioned in this blog-post, but at least the experience wasn’t unpleasant like with the ones who deceive and ghost.
