Last time I wrote about Aunties (see blog-post: “Indian Matchmaking: why I’m so anti-Auntie“). It takes two hands to clap and that other hand clapping for Patriarchy is the hand of the Uncle. So time to dissect the Uncle now!
Definitions first…who is the Uncle?
The first thing to note is when we talk about Uncles and Aunties in Indian society we don’t mean biological uncles and aunts. Any older person like your parent’s friend is referred to as an uncle or an auntie in Indian discourse. And not all uncles and aunties are bad, indeed some are loving, awesome people. I’m talking about particular negative strains in these blog-posts.
The Uncle is a more diverse archetype than the Auntie. It’s harder to pin down. I’m going to focus on one particular type of Uncle, and really deep-dive into three incidents that may seem mundane on the surface but are very telling upon analysis.
The uncle I want to dissect is the “Patriarchy Uncle”. The Patriarchy Uncle is one who holds down this particular tenet of patriarchy: Women, and especially younger women, are dumber than men, and especially vs older men. They do this in a number of ways.
Let’s meet Patriarchy Uncle #1…
I was visiting India in the summer when I was 18 years old, staying at an (actually related) uncle’s house. Most evenings his Indian American friend, who was there for the summer, would sit on the porch or go for walks and have long conversations about everything under the sun: economics, politics, property prices, technological trends.
One evening, I was on a walk with them and with my cousins. They were having a discussion about self-checkout technology in retail.
“They might introduce self check-outs in grocery stores in America in five years” the American friend said.
“That could happen in the future but it’s years out” my uncle opined.
“Actually, my local library in the UK already has self-checkout kiosks” I said, hoping to join the discussion. I was keen to correct the myth of something being that far out. I wanted to join in the conversation.
I waited for a response. They carried on the conversation literally as if they hadn’t heard what I said. And I said no more.
It’s in these types of social interactions that young women learn their worth to others. I learnt that day that to a certain group of men, it would never matter what I said. There were some men in the world who would just shut their ears as soon as a woman began talking, because she couldn’t possibly have anything to contribute. I have had a similar experience a few times now – where it has seemed my voice was literally not audible to Uncles. One time in a social group, my dad had to repeat what I had said to the group and then it was heard and appreciated.
Let’s meet Patriarchy Uncle #2…
I was at one of my parent’s friends’ parties. There were a number of Uncles and Aunties at this cocktail party, eating samosas and pakoras. And we were sitting in a group having a discussion about where people had been recently. I was 15 at the time. “I went to India for the summer” I chimed in.
At this time of my life, I was proud for having taken a non-direct flight to India by myself and having successfully navigated the layover and of having negotiated with Air India to let me carry extra baggage of toys for donation in Patiala. It had felt like a very grown-up achievement to be able to navigate International travel by myself, and my experiences in schools had been pretty amazing, I wanted to talk about them.
“Oh, I didn’t realize your family went to India recently” an Auntie responded.
“No, my family didn’t go. I went by myself” I said.
The group looked a bit taken aback. One Uncle looked particularly concerned.
“They don’t let children under the age of 17 travel by themselves” the Uncle said.
“Actually they do, I was 15 at the time and flew by myself” I said.
“Airlines don’t allow it. You need someone accompanying you, or they assign you someone from the airline” he said
“They didn’t assign anyone. I did the layover in Vienna by myself” I said.
“They don’t do that” he said dismissively and said no more on the topic. Neither did I. The conversation moved on to other topics.
It’s in these types of social interactions that young women learn their worth to others. I learnt that day that for a certain group of men, their opinion was stronger than my reality.
Something that I had actually done could still be argued against. What was the implication of such argument? What does it mean when an Uncle tells you that what you did isn’t possible? Logically, it can mean that they think you are lying. Or here’s the more dangerous explanation: they think you are mistaken. Mistaken about what you did or what happened to you. That’s the issue that women and particularly Indian women face all the time: deep-seated doubt around our intellects, our interpretation, our very reality. This phenomenon manifests in much more serious ways when young women get questioned about inappropriate behavior (“Are you sure that’s what he said?”; “He probably didn’t mean it that way”; “You probably just misheard”)
Their interactions with other men also serve to enforce Patriarchal beliefs. Let’s meet Patriarchy uncle #3 …
When I was around 4 years old, we used to live in Punjab, India. One day, my dad saw a posting for a job in the UK on a display board in his hospital. This occurrence has changed the course of mine and my sister’s lives – for the better, I believe. As he applied and got accepted, we packed up to leave for the UK. On one round of visits with relatives to say Goodbye, an Uncle said to him: “You’re going to the UK? Your daughter will sleep around with many men”. My dad never spoke to that man again.
My mother told me this story when I was ~20. I’d never had a boyfriend at this point. Honestly my first thought was “I should be so lucky”. But jokes apart, this story was very telling and it showed characteristics that are common among uncles:
i. Spitefulness — the Uncle’s intent to wound was clear, he didn’t mean this as a good thing
ii. Disgust, hatred and a deep-seated fear of female sexuality — the worst insult they can think of is calling a woman a “slut”. They prefer to think that only “bad” women have a sexuality, that “good” women are only objects for them to pursue, with no wants or desires of their own. [I wouldn’t say this if he hadn’t intended to hit below the belt, but since he did: you can imagine how good men like this are in the bedroom if they are so uneducated on women!]
iii. Arrogance — it shows a great deal of belief in one’s own authority for someone who has never been outside of India to make any kind of prediction about the future of a four-year old who he had and will have no hand in raising. But Uncles frequently overplay their authority on topics they should have no or very little say on.
Closing thoughts
It is telling that 12-15 years later I still remember the incidents that I was involved in (Patriarchy uncles #1 and 2), and the feeling of invisibility, of smallness that these Uncles engendered in me. I knew I was right in both of these cases, but I can understand how women are socialized into self-doubt over time through many such microaggressions accumulated over a lifetime. If everyone keeps doubting you, at some point, you start to doubt yourself. And that’s when the Patriarchy Uncles have really won. Their goal is to hold the tenet that you are dumber, inferior, and when you yourself are convinced, you’re buying a lifetime membership to the Patriarchy club.
I haven’t engaged with a Patriarchy uncle in a long time. I don’t visit the watering holes they visit. But if one came up, this time I know how to identify this archetype quickly, and this time, I’m braver and more experienced and I’m going to point out that the Emperor has no clothes.
It’s an unfair burden placed on women of color to educate people on how to interact civilly with others, but unfortunately if we don’t stick up for ourselves, no one else will. Hold onto your voices ladies, they are valuable, no matter how dismissive the Uncles and Aunties are.
*Note: I can’t remember the flight details themselves in full certainty or clarity 15 years later, but have written to the best of the memory to get the nature of the interaction across
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