online dating | Stiletto Muse

It was a warm Thursday night in San Francisco, circa 9.00 pm. I was at the Alchemist bar, a classy gothic bar with very interesting art. I grabbed a candlelit spot (by one of those artificial candles, a throwback to our more romantic past) and watched the Tim Burton-esque silhouettes being projected on the walls. In the silhouettes, two children are wandering around in a forest, and then a witch emerges. She holds out a juicy apple. One of the children takes it. There it was. The apple of temptation, delivered by a witch whose identity was unbeknownst to the innocent children, who somehow overlook her gnarly face and the curly-pointed hat and her black robes…it sent a shiver down my spine.

The apple was love (or the illusion of it). The witch was the heartbreak that always reveals its ugly face after you’ve taken bites of the apple. And here I was waiting to engage in the most dangerous sport of our modern times: online dating.

redflags2 — Exhibit A: the perils of dating as captured by Instagram artist violetclair

My date arrived and it was with the cursory awkwardness of 2 strangers that we greeted each other. When 2 online dates meet, the first thing each person wants to do is take the other person in. Do they look like their photos? Do they look as imagined? Yet you have to pretend you are not taking the other person in and just jump into free-flowing easy confident conversation.

I think we should institute a time-out of 2 minutes where each person walks around the other, looks them up and down, smells them and does some basic checks like stretching their arm out, tapping them to see they’re made of the right material, inspecting their muscle-fat composition. Online dating isn’t all that different from online shopping.

The fact of the matter is we are animals, and online dating is deeply flawed because it ignores what really drives attraction. This became very clear to me when I attended a workshop on Social Intelligence earlier this week (with Jaunty – a life school) and came across a framework called the “Pyramid of Attraction”. It’s so highly relevant to our lives that I felt it deserved a blog-post:

Pyramid of Attraction v2 — Exhibit B: The Pyramid of Attraction

The point of the pyramid is it shows what weighs the most in your attraction — the base layer, and what weighs the least — the tiny triangle of ‘logic’ at the top.

The most fundamental drivers of attractiveness are Health & Status. Health is the most important – does this person look like they are healthy and going to live for a long time? This is why self-care routines like exercise and having a good diet are so fundamental to attractiveness. Status consists of internal and external status. Your external status is conveyed by how you’re dressed etc. Your internal status is the confidence you project, stemming from your skills, your self-esteem, your belief system. These are conveyed in your body language. This is why people generally know who they find attractive in like 30 seconds. Our minds quickly process health and status information about someone. Arguing against such behavior as “shallow” or “superficial” or accusing people of being “looks-based” is futile – attraction short-cuts are hard-wired into our reptilian brains. We’re all driven by this type of subconscious analyses/instinct, even if we like to pretend we aren’t.

The second layer is emotion. This is also powerful. This is why you can become attracted to someone over time by getting to know them. You can form an emotional bond based on your psychological similarities, your kindness and compassion towards the world and each other, based on your similar sense of humor, your shared smiles and laughter. I’ve never dated anyone who I haven’t been attracted to within the first two minutes, but my chemistry with certain people has grown over time. As I get older, I grow more appreciative of this layer in the pyramid of attraction.

The last and smallest layer is logic. This is the layer people falsely assume that most of us operate on, and indeed some people probably do, but my opinion is that those are the people that really miss out on romantic connection by choosing safety over excitement (a valid choice perhaps – I’ve always chosen excitement and now I’m 29 and single…so may be it’s time I favored logic?). It’s frustrating for me when I get asked questions such as the following, about people I’m seeing: Did you meet at business school? Does he have an MBA? Which University did he go to? Is he Indian? Is he Sikh? Invariably the answer to all is No/Not important. None of those are qualities I have ever found particularly attractive.

We need to stop asking people this style of logic question because it does not matter much, at least not in a romance-based society (it’s a separate issue and blog-post whether a romance-based model of relationships and marriages makes much sense in the first place). You can match someone on every logical dimension possible, as my mum once did on the Indian matrimonial site Shaadi.com for me, and then they meet and have no desire for anything but a platonic friendship. Even in friendships, logic can be a poor predictor. Some of the people I best get along with are very different from me in their profession and life choices.

Online dating : death by irrelevance

Online dating turns the pyramid of attraction on its head – giving greatest emphasis to the least important drivers of attraction. You start by logically filtering people based on their photos and the descriptions they wrote about themselves. Then you text and start building some form of emotional connection, and then you finally meet and get to assess their health/status.

I’ve been on so many dates where I’ve turned up, taken one look at the guy, and been like “no” in my head and then had to sit through an hour and a half of mild to moderately interesting chit-chat. I had a negative reaction to their health/status straightaway in many cases. One of my new goals is to minimize time spent on such dates down to 45 mins.

Where does this leave us, the people with Hinge, Bumble, CMB, Tinder and The League, all in the “Lifestyle” folder on our phones? It leaves us with the conclusion that online dating is like throwing darts in the dark. You may get lucky eventually, but it is a painful process to go through so many dates with totally irrelevant matches.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could come across more people organically? And then fall into our natural tendencies to evaluate their health/status first? I’ve seen attractive guys at street-crossings, in bookstores, certainly in the yoga class in Cow Hollow (where all the demi-Gods and demi-Goddesses of physical appearance in SF do yoga). And yet I’ve never really gone up to these attractive men and asked them out…how the hell do you talk to a stranger on the street? For now, I am engulfed by the culture of our modern time and city and confined to throwing darts in the dark.

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In the Alchemist, it took a couple of hours for us to get more comfortable. Good conversation takes time between strangers (and sometimes between friends too). We were smiling as we walked to the next bar. At least the dart kind of landed on the dart board, I thought. A good date, whether one follows or not, is still something to be grateful for. It’s truly a small miracle given the odds.

“Mirror Mirror on the wall,

Who’s the fairest of them all?”

– The Queen from Snow White and the seven dwarfs

It’s still a bit of a stigma to confess that we care so much about looks though most of us so clearly do. How do I know it’s a stigma? Because in any dating app, in the ‘what am I looking for’ section, men and women will detail out all these noble qualities like: intelligence, someone caring, kind, passionate, funny, and the worst “laughs at my jokes” (um, I’ll laugh without you telling me to if they’re actually funny, thank you very much), and I have yet to come across a profile that says the most important thing that people are looking for: ‘someone good-looking’.

The truth is most of us don’t even consider a date, let alone a future with someone who doesn’t meet our appearance bar. We are constantly rejecting people romantically even before a ‘hello’ just based on how they look. I’m not judging anyone here – I’ve rejected plenty of people due to appearance. It’s a safe assumption to say I’ve been rejected plenty of times because of appearance. It’s part of the equilibrium.

In this blog-post, I consider a few different theories on why we are so obsessed with looks. I consider factors above and beyond the obvious scientifically supported reason that beauty is often a function of features like symmetry and clear skin, which are health indicators (though I don’t really get why acne or big pores would be particularly unhealthy…). We want to procreate with the healthiest and so there is an innate biological preference for beauty. However, there are plenty of beautiful people who have and get diseases/conditions, and plenty of ordinary-looking people who are functionally healthy. And why highlights are an attractive hair-look can’t be explained by evolutionary preferences — so there are some cultural and social factors at play here too, which is more the focus of this post.

Theory 1: Media and the exposure to more beauty

(Disclaimer: This theory is borrowed from a friend)

In the olden days, whenever those were, you had 30-50 data points of people from your village to go by when defining attractiveness. The hottest person in your town was a 10, and you’d be very happy marrying this person.

Now, positioned in the bigger world they would be a 7.5, may be?

We are constantly exposed to more attractive people on TV who are selected out of huge populations. The curve of your expectations is grotesquely modified, and the mere mortals you come across every day just don’t impress you any more.

newsnachor2 — Even your news about all the terrible things happening locally and in the world is delivered by glamorous goddesses

Theory 2: Social media culture

Social media has likely increased the emphasis on looks. Photos are no longer just for your family album and to be looked at at family gatherings by an intimate group of people, but are out there on the internet for your huge network to see. Naturally, the more people that see something, the better you want it to look. It’s the difference between if the only people who visited your house were a few relatives and if your house was open to public visits all the time even by casual acquaintances. You’d want to furnish and maintain your house much more stylishly for the second case.

“From deceptive selfie angles that make average-looking people appear attractive, to curating your Facebook feed so it looks like you’re having more fun than you actually are, social media has taken neoliberalism’s self-centered mantra and pumped it full of cocaine-laced steroids” – Highsnobiety.com — https://www.highsnobiety.com/2017/03/14/social-media-narcissism/

In addition to the pressure for looking good yourself, social media photo sharing has put more pressure on my generation to find visually attractive partners who will make that coastline landscape from your holiday look even more stunning with them in front.

It’s a tall order, I find sunglasses help 🙂

Theory 3: A craving for joy and beauty

Perhaps we crave beauty and attractiveness because we lack it in other areas of our life? Beauty brings joy. Perhaps we lack joy in other areas of our lives and so we flock to beautiful people because we’re so hungry for joy. Think of the modern office worker – working 9 am to 7 pm (and often even longer hours in professional services). For many people, work and other life admin (bills, appointments, investments, family issues etc) consume so much of their time and energy that life becomes drudgery. And then in strolls a beautiful girl or guy into the office and suddenly life is worth living. There is romantic promise! There is beauty! There is joy!

I wonder then if a craving for beauty in a person can be reduced by having more beauty in other forms in your life? I personally have wanted to become less shallow in my preferences in a partner, but can’t figure out how to value aesthetics less.

Theory 4: First-world satiation – Beauty begets more beauty

Running a somewhat opposing logic to theory 3, this theory posits that we crave more beauty because we already have more beauty. When you are surrounded by beautiful material goods or landscapes, you need a beautiful person to complete the lifestyle you were going for. The fewer problems we have in life, the more we work on perfecting and fine-tuning the little things.

This remains to be tested: Is the looks obsession more among higher income people vs lower income people who might value other traits like how hard-working someone is?

Theory 5: Because everyone else holds it in high esteem

The thing about people is we are such sheep. Herd behavior is ingrained in us so deep. If enough people believe something, it becomes true enough to be taken seriously unfortunately. That’s the premise of money. That’s the premise of the countless lies told in political campaigns, and that’s partly the premise of so-called universal standards of beauty.

The most memorable example I have is when I was in high school and a girl was referred to as ‘the prettiest girl in the school’. I hadn’t come across this girl so I was curious to see who she was. One day, my friend pointed her out. “Oh…her?!” I was surprised. I’d seen that girl several times before and had even thought of her as looking a bit like a witch. Wow, beauty is subjective, I thought. But with everyone else heralding her as beautiful, I had to adjust my views a bit for societal consonance.

This bit I will shed some judgment on: I think it’s sad how the diversity in opinion of beauty is being lost with the loudest and most powerful voices shoving their version of what’s beautiful in everyone’s faces and minds. All of us are being brought in line to their narrow definitions, which tentatively span race now since the world woke up a bit, but in very narrow ways.

Is the obsession free or trivial?

First of all, there’s the whole beauty industry, estimated $445 Bn by Forbes. then there is the massive amounts of time we spend on manicures, hair coloring even before your hair has gone grey, cosmetic surgery, Botox etc. etc.

But beyond the obvious costs…

At the risk of over-sharing (one of my key traits!), I’ll detail a personal anecdote. A couple of months ago, I went on probably one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. The guy was kind, a great listener, engaging, and most rare of all, someone who had a genuine drive and vision to make the world a better place. He was a true leader. Someone who wouldn’t just take the trash out and go to dinner parties with you, but someone you could actually look up to and be proud of. He picked up the bill for dinner despite me insisting. He walked me back home without wanting anything in return. He texted me saying it was lovely to meet. What made his behavior all the more praiseworthy was I think he knew we wouldn’t see each other again, but he still cared enough to make the date a good experience. The missing ingredient from my side (don’t know about his) was a lack of aesthetic agreement or physical chemistry. If him and I looked different, I suspect the outcome could have been different. Perhaps this is all unfixable…

A number of my guy-friends still frustratingly deny why things don’t work out with certain girls, or why they are with certain girls. They’ll talk about personality, when the issue is often looks: being with a girl who is unreasonably demanding because she’s attractive, or rejecting a girl because she doesn’t meet their physical criteria. Well and good, we all have freedom. But wouldn’t it be good if we were all more aware of why we make decisions, and why we favor people over others.

I love it when my girl-friends are honest about this when I try and set them up with someone, which leads me to my next point….

Baby, if you demand it from me, I’ll demand it from you: Girls also care

It’s important to note how much girls care about guys’ looks – which some guys who are still living in old-world heaven don’t realize. This isn’t the 1950s – a good job and mediocre ability to hold a normal conversation aren’t going to cut it for the best girls out there. There are so many men I’ve come across who think they are God’s gift to women despite having mediocre looks and mediocre personalities.

Guys who think they are God’s gift to women – I guess this is what they’re seeing, when we’re seeing them for what they are

Women, on the whole, seem to need more confidence in their looks. And men, need to be more realistic about themselves and therefore their expectations of their partner.

Closing thoughts

As I have grown older, I have realized we can’t change or fight equilibria, we can only observe them. And there is a certain tranquility and intellectual satisfaction in careful observation, and in articulating the truth. A few things to ponder as you head for your next beauty trip…whether you’ll find it in a person or a hike!